The Past...

A few years ago, during the MySpace craze, when the big girls were all into it ... I got a page. Mainly just to kinda keep tabs on them. They never abused the freedom and conducted themselves just as I thought they would. The MySpace craze ended for them and they have moved onto Facebook (I have not. LOL!). They routinely share what they are doing and want me to see this or that on their pages. I am so very proud of them. Katie and Kasie are making good life choices. I am blessed to have them as daughters.

Well I forgot that I had a MySpace page. It sat dormant for over a year, until this week.

One of my very best friends from High School (Kathie) contacted me this week. She left a comment for me to approve. At first I was not sure what to think or do. I am not the same person I was in High School, in fact I am not the same person I was a year ago. I have spent the past two days thinking and reflecting on my life and the mistakes I have made.

I returned the message. I gave her my email and blog address. (As I love to be able to blog about our life, even if no one reads it. LOL!) I checked out her MySpace. She has 3 daughters. WOW! I guess I never thought of others from that part of my life growing older, having kids, etc. Not that I thought they would all stay in their 20's or something. I guess I just never thought of them having kids. I had just blocked out that part of my life. I was not a good kid or teenager and I did not make good choices. I do not want to revisit that part of me. I have changed and am trying to make right choices.

My sister (Dawn) contacted me yesterday also. We have not spoken since right after Bill died. I do not have a good relationship with my family. It is partially their fault, but I accept most of the blame. In the past I have not been a very accepting or forgiving person. When I felt I had been wronged (legitimately or not) I just walked away. Many months or year could go by without contact with someone. Usually the other person will make the first gesture. I know this is not right! This is one of my MAJOR character flaws. The fight or flight reflex is almost always set on flight for me. I try to avoid confrontation at all costs. This is not right or healthy. I know this.

This is not to say that I have not thought of people from my past. I have. In fact I think of Kathie and her mother (Carol) almost daily during my quiet time. I am very thankful that she shared the Lord with me. Does she know that the seeds she planted in me while I was a troubled teen have now grown and continue to grow stronger? Probably not. In fact I am not sure if she was even aware that she was planting seeds in me.

I have thought of my other best friend (Paula) often as well. My sister informed me that she has 3 daughters and a step-son. Dawn told me that she is going through a divorce. They are linked friends on MySpace. Maybe I should check her out and make the first move?

One of my biggest regrets is that I do not know my nieces or my nephew. I have not seen pictures of them in so very long. I do not know what their voices sound like or the type of people they are becoming. I have no idea about their likes or dislikes, hobbies or passions. The girls do not know their cousins. I had always dreamed of my nieces and nephew coming to spend weeks with us in the summer. I wanted to be the Aunt that sent them cards, letters and the best most creative presents. You know the fun one. That is not who I have become. I have become nothing to them.

This is sad and it is my fault. I have struggled with this for the past two days. The Lord has laid my sins and transgressions on my heart heavily. I know that I must make some type of amends and ask for forgiveness but I am not sure how. I have prayed, cried and struggled. I know that I need to leave this with the Lord and he will bring me through it. I am just not sure how.